It’s not that deep

“Hey babe which shoes should I wear? I am caught between the Air Jordan Retro and Doc Martens you gifted me last month. The weather Is really just perfect for either it’s making it very difficult to choose. I love them both, and I love you. I can’t wait to see you. To think it’s been a whole year…It’s wild! Oh and, has Aisha confirmed my pick up? you’d said since you are working tomorrow she’d volunteered to fetch me from the airport. Super nice of her, right? Please let me know, and sleep tight. I’ll decide on the shoes tomorrow morning, let me wrap up the packing. KISSES!!!”

This should be like the sixteenth time I have replayed this audio and I don’t know where I keep getting lost in it. It’s been three years yet it feels like yesterday. I should have taken a day off from work, and met Josh at the airport. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in that marketing pitch, I could have hugged him, kissed him, told him how he’d missed out on just so much it was going to be hard catching up. He’d have loved to know that Thelma got engaged; Brian turned vegan and that there’s now a bakery by the corner of our apartment block with his favourite cookies sold at a discount on Tuesdays. It would have been really nice and sweet to spoil him to a couple of Belgian spicy cookies. They are my current favourite. And he had always loved my favourite things. He joked about how eating my favourite treats reminded him of his favourite person in the whole world. That I was his centre. Gosh I loved him, with all my heart I loved and cherished every moment we spent together. And I remember the Saturday he left for that internship in Italy. I was so scared that someone else better would come into the picture and he’d fall in love with her. That one year apart would change things between us, strain our relationship even lead to a breakup. The universe was kind to us. Absence did make the heart grow fonder and my heart and body hurt at the thought that the goodbye I gave to the man of my dreams in March 2020 was the last I would hug him. I should have made it last longer. I should have gone with him. Visited him. But I was ever so obsessed with the promotion at work I just kept working and working. Despite his patience, I just kept making excuses and I regret that. Tremendously.

I need to pull myself together. I haven’t seen Aisha since the day Josh landed in Bulawayo and I just have never known how to handle all of these emotions. I still can’t come to terms with the loss. Can’t believe that my Josh is gone from me and that my best friend will always be a reminder of his last words to me. I was angry at everyone and everything. At Josh, for never giving me another chance and moment to show him how much I loved him, for not staying long enough to see that my love for him had grown. At Aisha for not convincing me enough that I needed to just miss one day of work so I could pick up my man at the airport. Take him safely home, where he belonged. She knows that I can be so difficult to pull out of work commitments, but she should have at least tried….right? That’s what best friends do? Remind and teach you to have a life outside your job. To be present and accessible to your man. She didn’t do that for me and I was angry. I am angry. And if I don’t pull myself together I might actually explode and choke her for not being best friend enough to me. Oh snap I am late. I’m never late. What’s wrong with me? Well, technically speaking, EVERYTHING!!!

I should just as well have taken my time. I have sat here fifty minutes and Aisha is still not here. No text, no call, nothing. I should probably have just left this. It just opens too many wounds. I am not ready to face my demons. Well she is somewhat my demon. The kind you handpick for yourself and live your whole life with and tell everyone that’s your best friend. Except a best friend wouldn’t elope with your man the very day he comes back from a year-long internship you financed and send you an, “it’s not that deep” text so you know she expects that you will move on. It’s the audacity to disrespect a 10 year old relationship and think that I will appreciate that life goes on, and I need to too. Three years and later I am still gulping for air. Just not too sure how long I can keep fighting to hit the surface. I am just drowning in these emotions and honestly, I don’t know whats keeping me alive! It’s deep and I can’t exactly swim.