Dear Diary
It’s Friday the 28th of August 2020 and I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the way Mark took offense when I told him I’m not his type. It sounds cruel when you think too much into but trust me it’s not really harsh, I mean maybe just a tiny bit. If I’m being honest I meant it, and it’s unfortunate that it came out wrong and honestly I don’t think it my fault that he couldn’t understand where I was coming from. I mean I didn’t even say he is not my type, I just said I am not his. I think there’s a difference.
Mark is a great guy. He is tall; he is handsome and has this beautiful deep voice. I can’t dispute his top notch sense of style, and the fact that he is really an ambitious guy. He has his money and assets (but so do I…wink!). I think that’s where the problem is. He thinks because he is substantially established then somehow I should see that as goods enough a reason to give him, us, a shot. The fact he has the looks too is probably why he felt disrespected when I turned down the offer to be given a world (who is a man to promise a world like I can’t give it to myself???). So yeah, that is what’s up!
Diary you’ve known me for like ages and it’s not a secret to you that I almost feel like we don’t all need to be in a relationship. At least until we figure out who we are and what we want from our world and the world that other people exist to bring into ours. If I feel that a relationship is not for me, or that I am not for someone at a certain point in my life, I don’t think it’s fair for the world to castigate me for it. Maybe that’s what I was trying to explain to Mark but I don’t think he was ready to listen to that kind of reasoning. He couldn’t understand that he should not settle for a girl that doesn’t see the world the same way he does. That a girl who didn’t see herself fit into his life is not his type. He called it crap actually. Made it seem like it was my fault that he liked me, fell for me, and decided to tell me that he wants me to be a part of his world as a lover. Like somehow by telling me I was obliged to respond in a way that makes him happy. His anger honestly made me feel that I was right to close out that window because clearly there was no room for what would make me happy too. Nigga was ready to settle, but hey, I am not!
Worst thing is that he already told my girlfriends and you know how they can be around a man they feel I deserve or deserves me, whichever the case is. I’ve had to turn off my phone a bit to just shut out these voices that are ushering in pressure that I don’t think is good for my emotional sanity. This is me coming up for air and you better not be judging me too. You know for sure that I am not even my own type yet, so I am not going to feel guilty for letting a guy know exactly that. Maybe next time he’ll learn to take a no without demanding explanations for it because it’s how he ends up getting hurt or taking offense.
I wish I could write more but I have a long day tomorrow so I have to catch some sleep. It’s already 23:59. I’ll talk to you hopefully soon, but yeah, thank you. It’s always nice to take it all out. I feel okayish….I’ll probably be back to a hundred tomorrow.
Xo xo!!!
LacidarJ
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